Book review: Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, by Barb Winters
“Pornography was in our home for years without my knowledge. The day I learned that my fourteen year old son watched porn, I was blindsided… We homeschooled them and took them to church. My husband was a pastor. I thought all of those components equated to raising children who knew when to say “no” to worldly pleasures.”
If you’re a parent distressed that your child is viewing porn regularly, this book holds so much hope and help for you. Though written from a distinctly Christian perspective, Barb Winters offers very practical relationship advice that anyone with family values can utilize.
Parents experience betrayal trauma, too.
When Barb Winters discovered that her teenage son was consuming porn on a regular basis, she felt betrayed and angry. But she quickly realized her relationship with her son was more important than her feelings (though she validates those feelings, too).
“My son initially believed his pornography addiction didn’t affect anyone besides himself. When his behavior was brought to light, it damaged our relationship…The trust between us was broken. I no longer believed what he told me.”
Tips to help a child already viewing porn
Barb and her husband leaned into compassion, relationship-building, and clear boundaries to help their son. Learning how to do this was a long process of learning and understanding.
One mistake Barb willingly admits was assuming one sex talk was enough. She says, “After my son’s pornography issue surfaced, I realized the way parents address this issue needed to change.”
Another key tip was learning what her son’s triggers were for porn use.
“My son originally sought pornography out of curiosity, but one reason he returned to it was boredom.”
Setting better boundaries was also key.
“When I tell teens we turn off the WiFi every night at 11:00 PM in our household, they look at me as if I’ve lost my mind and ruined my children for life.
But I purposefully mention this limit to reveal this fact: because I love my children, I want to safeguard them. My job is to protect them from predators and help them resist temptation late at night.”
Learning to change is vital for successful digital parenting.
“Widespread usage of smartphones is a fairly recent phenomenon, so we can’t ask our parents and grandparents for advice. We’re learning as we go.”
Barb kindly walks parents through the many valuable lessons she learned – why and how pornography hooks children. To do this, she starts with how the “hook-up culture” affected her first marriage and so many of our current trends in sexual ethics. In large part, this has led to a societal acceptance of pornography.
“When putting porn and hookup culture together, teens not only believe that everyone is doing it, but they think everyone is doing it this way.”
Perhaps most valuable of all, she reminds parents that they are on a journey of becoming, too. We must identify our own failed relationship patterns before we can truly help our child desire change.
To this end, her chapters on Love, Communication, and Mutuality are extremely valuable for parents who are willing to examine their own life patterns. Growth and change is possible for parents and children alike!
“Rewiring our brains, changing our habits, and breaking our addictions requires an admission of wrongful behaviors, turning from those deeds, and replacing them with newer, healthier choices… This process is almost impossible without accountability. ”
Healing Wounds (and how to avoid further relationship wounds)
“When a teen confesses to sending and receiving nudes, is caught in a possible coercion situation, has been watching pornograpy … try not to react by throwing out devices or changing all the rules. Instead, thank your child for trusting you with the information, listen to them, and take time to pray about your response.”
If you’ve just now discovered your teen’s ongoing porn use, you have a golden opportunity to pause and consider before responding.
As Barb notes in her chapter on Communication, she made many mistakes in this area. So her chapter on Healing from Wounds encourages parents not to make the same mistakes.
How Barb’s son eventually responded
The highest praise for Sexpectations is nestled in Chapter 7, “Healing from Wounds”.
In the words of her son: “Luckily my parents were kind and accepting of me. I believe this is one of the best things parents can do for their children. Children will never confess to their parents if they believe the wrath of their parents will be worse than the reward of getting help. My parents put heavy restrictions on all devices. It was tough, but it was what I needed.”
Conclusion
We believe that any parent can benefit from this book regardless of their religion. We’re grateful for this mom sharing her hard-won experience to benefit others. Check out our other recommended books on porn, too!
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